Hi there, Jessica, here for my transgender nation.
So today I’m going to revisit a subject and just give you some additional thoughts, hopefully it’ll help somebody. I was born a boy, and I would say that that would be the physical version of me. When I was old enough to think, say, five or six, I knew I was not your average boy. I had feelings that I would call feminine, and for me I wanted to play with the girls. I wanted the girl toys, I wanted the girl clothes. And I asked a couple of times for these things, and that did not go well for me at all. As Matter of fact, I got the belt from my dad, which is how things were way back then. So from then on, I took my feelings and suppressed them to the outside world. Never shared them with a single person, until I was 57 and I talked to a therapist, and she was the first person on this planet that I told what was going on inside me.
So being born boy and going through that my entire life, I honestly did not realize, until after I transitioned, what I was doing to myself and why I was doing it as I was making my way through life. And what I mean by that is that looking back, I look at how I reacted to everything when I was an older teenager, and the world opened up to me, I drank too much. I definitely smoked too much. I did many other things too much. When I started driving, I drove too fast. I did everything I could to the most extreme version that I could and it didn’t seem to matter to me what the outcome was going to be at the end, I didn’t care. And it’s very obvious what the reason for that was, looking back at it now, but when I was in the middle of it, I don’t think I quite understood why I was doing it. I was really frustrated with having to be a boy. And gosh, if life had made it possible for me to be a girl back then, things would have been very different. So it wasn’t easy to be a boy. I made my way through it.
More than anything, I used to find things to occupy my time so that I didn’t think about being a girl, and I referred to things like hobbies like I when I was very young. I played with Matchbox cars, and the more I played with the cars, the less I thought about wanting dolls or dressing up or whatever. So I always tried to keep my brain occupied. The Moment I had idle time, I was going right back to thinking about girl stuff. And when I had private time away from everyone, I dressed up, I put on makeup, I played with my hair, did anything I could to make me feel feminine when nobody else was around, and nobody had a chance of ever finding out. And then when I was back in public, again amongst family and friends, I just kept myself occupied. I got into fights with my cousins all the time because I was so angry at the world. I was bullied in school. And the interesting thing about that part was that I never showed the feminine side to me to the outside world. It was always in private, so no one was aware that I had this feminine side, but yet everybody knew I was a little different, and they couldn’t put their finger on what it was about me that made me different, but they knew I was different, and because of that difference, I was bullied a lot in school and and that played heavily upon me as well. So I’ll bet I’m not the only one out there that has a similar story and went through their life like this, but maybe you can understand, If you know how you get to from where you are now to where I am now, knowing that.
So, yeah, I was born a boy. I really wasn’t a boy, and I’m definitely not male now I’m a happy woman, and that’s how it all started for me. All right, I just wanted to share that bit of information. Hopefully for one or more of you, you will find that helpful. I hope you have a great day.